January 2012
135 posts
“And I can’t help but think, there’s something to be learned of...”
Anonymous asked: I am sorry to hear about what happened. I noticed your post, or, posts about recovery, how is that going?
2 tags
My mind is vacant, having kicked out the previous tenants, I’ve decided to take it off the market for a while, I don’t have a good feeling about it being occupied. I threw away my last blade today, which is good I suppose, less temptation, more healing, less long sleeve shirts. I still can’t face the facts, but I’ll have to one day I suppose. Living “in the...
does it ever go away
the pain still lingers day by day if only for a moment, I smile, but see the truth in that smile isn’t me
I’d found ways to take away the pain but nothing comes easier than this selfish disdain
But I’m only in this danger shortly This “darkness” rushes swift but softly, like a lingering thought that won’t release I come to terms with this fact:
that I may...
1 tag
Let's see how today goes.
“I don’t see my own faults for what they are”
When the spring arrives, and then the summer sets in, and winter comes again, I still won’t be seeing you. I am trying my hardest to understand how one gains a will to live. I’m barely alive, but I am alive. I’ve been doing it again, wearing a mask, forcing a smile, becoming something feign. My regard for life, happiness, and self-worth other than my own is so much that it has...
2 tags
I miss being woken up.
[12/21/2011 10: 50:09 AM] Amanda Jones: heyyyyyyyyyyy
[12/21/2011 10: 50:13 AM] Amanda Jones: :(((((
[12/21/2011 10: 50:21 AM] Amanda Jones: im sorry:(
[12/21/2011 10: 50:32 AM] Amanda Jones: about last night
[12/21/2011 10: 51:50 AM] Amanda Jones: you look so peaceful
[12/21/2011 10: 52:04 AM] Amanda Jones: i dont wanna wake you up
[12/21/2011 10: 52:34 AM] Amanda Jones: i would have called you back, i swear
[12/21/2011 10: 52:42 AM] Amanda Jones: i just fell asleep :(
[12/21/2011 10: 52:51 AM] Amanda Jones: im sorry
[12/21/2011 10: 53:00 AM] Amanda Jones: last night was stupid
[12/21/2011 10: 54:36 AM] Amanda Jones: hold on
[12/21/2011 10: 54:43 AM] Amanda Jones: i have to get dressed
[12/21/2011 10: 56:07 AM] Amanda Jones: because i took a shower
[12/21/2011 10: 56:11 AM] Amanda Jones: anyway
[12/21/2011 10: 56:31 AM] Amanda Jones: i would say wakkeuppp
[12/21/2011 10: 56:58 AM] Amanda Jones: excep t you look like you are enjoying that sleep
[12/21/2011 10: 57:08 AM] Amanda Jones: whoa
[12/21/2011 10: 57:22 AM] Amanda Jones: face right next to the screen
[12/21/2011 10: 57:28 AM] Amanda Jones: lol
[12/21/2011 10: 57:39 AM] Amanda Jones: :D
[12/21/2011 10: 57:48 AM] Amanda Jones: you
[12/21/2011 10: 57:50 AM] Amanda Jones: are
[12/21/2011 10: 57:53 AM] Amanda Jones: snoring
[12/21/2011 10: 57:57 AM] Amanda Jones: right
[12/21/2011 10: 57:58 AM] Amanda Jones: now
[12/21/2011 10: 58:19 AM] Amanda Jones: this is nice
[12/21/2011 10: 58:31 AM] Amanda Jones: (highfive)
[12/21/2011 10: 58:35 AM] Amanda Jones: high five
[12/21/2011 10: 58:53 AM] Amanda Jones: darn you turned over again
[12/21/2011 10: 58:57 AM] Amanda Jones: no more face
[12/21/2011 10: 59:05 AM] Amanda Jones: just back of the head
[12/21/2011 10: 59:33 AM] Amanda Jones: and no more snores
[12/21/2011 10: 59:34 AM] Amanda Jones: :(
[12/21/2011 10: 59:36 AM] Amanda Jones: lol
[12/21/2011 10: 59:40 AM] Amanda Jones: too bad
[12/21/2011 11: 00:52 AM] Amanda Jones: hold on
[12/21/2011 11: 01:01 AM] Amanda Jones: i have to go get a bag
[12/21/2011 11: 09:18 AM] *** Call ended, duration 19:25 ***
[12/21/2011 11: 09:38 AM] Amanda Jones: darn
[12/21/2011 11: 09:47 AM] Amanda Jones: connection issues
[12/21/2011 11: 09:51 AM] Amanda Jones: blaahhhh
[12/21/2011 11: 10:01 AM] Amanda Jones: noooooooooooooo
[12/21/2011 11: 10:12 AM] Amanda Jones: NOOOO!!!!
[12/21/2011 11: 27:42 AM] *** Call from Amanda Jones ***
And here is where she woke me up.
When life seems impossible, remember that life is the most valuable thing you have. Do not discard it as if it is nothing, even when it feels like nothing is what you want most.
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to...”
– Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
Reading your last words was harder than I could have imagined, it brought me back to a time when we wanted life from what was undeniably broken. Being uncertain of outcome in a desperately undecided situation, you had us strive for greatness in a dark moment. I remember the disappointment, the heartbreak, but also the mild release, the weight lifted from our chests. I am digging deeper into my...
Our broken ship is sinking, the waves are beating on broken boards and beams. The mast has tilted and our sails have torn. Ropes have snapped and our rudder is lost. Our compass has lost it’s needle and our wheel has thrown us off course, but we are still close enough to swim to shore.
6 tags
The day before yesterday, we laid your body to rest. It was in your family cemetary. The casket was closed, and I could not go to the viewing, but I heard that you were beautiful. But undoubtedly not as beautiful as you were in life. I am trying to be as happy as everyone wants, I am trying to wear this smile, when there is this constant struggle between light and dark. My world is in grayscale,...
O grim death, where is thy sting. Shall I pluck...
Anonymous asked: What about the people who will miss you quite terribly if you leave us? I know it doesn't stop the hurt or pain, but a lot of people who feel the same thing you feel know if you left.
2 tags
It's amazing the things that can trigger you.
I want to so bad. Last night, someone told me today was going to be a good day, I don’t know why they lied to me. Today hurts, just like any other day, except it hurts worse. This is the confirmation. This is going to be a painful day. Words that used to entice me like a schoolboy who just discovered poe, seem to bring me the greatest amount of pain. Grave. Tombstone. Casket. Coffin. Buried....
5 tags
Each passing day it’s getting harder and harder to keep that promise.
I miss you like the desert misses the rain. It’s such a dead world without you. People are so fickle. They pretend to tolerate one another for while they’re around each other, then bicker about the thorn in each others eye moments later. I try battling my own thoughts, but it doesn’t help, at the end of...
6 tags
If you know me personally
you might want to unfollow me, I will be posting my own thoughts here, where I can keep them recorded. Most will be pertaining to steps of recovery, including battling my own thoughts and holding onto hope, and I don’t intend on holding anything back. This is a place where I feel like I can be myself and say exactly what is on my mind.
it will have been a week
this world will never be as bright without you
Jesus, I’m ready to come home
5 tags
Still clean
I am still doing this for you. I know what you would want. It doesn’t make it easy, but I love you, and I miss you so much.
I feel like a ghost of my former self.
I don't know
1 tag
6 tags
5 days clean
no cuts no burns no purging
the fact that this was a perfect time to relapse, and I still didn’t, is amazing.
I’m doing this for you. I love you.
1 tag
I miss you
I miss you so much it hurts, everything I see reminds me of you. I wish I was there with you, I want to be so bad, but I made you that promise, it’s getting really hard to keep. I miss your smile, I miss your love, I miss your laugh, I miss your voice, I miss your eyes, I miss you. When you left I knew, I could feel it. Every ounce of light that was left in this world is gone. I wish I would...
1 tag
it's almost noon and I've heard nothing
I’m so scared right now
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